The Hogwarts Times--Hermione Granger, Editor
by Fred George and Lee
Summary: Oh, dear. Hermione has had too much butterbeer and, under the influence, has decided to comission a school newspaper for Hogwarts. She decides on a lot of weird people and columns, such as Lavender and Parvati's social commentary and Trelawney doing hor
1. Default Chapter

The Hogwarts Times--Hermione Granger, Editor  
  
A/N: Hi, all! This little ficcie (is that a word? Is it even legal?) is for all of you faithful reviewers out there! We love you all! Really we do! And the rest of you, too. Don't want you to feel left out, we love you too. But only if you review (JUST KIDDING! Sheesh). Oh, and just a warning, this is just a tad (well, more than a tad) strange...We wrote it under the influence of N'Sync...and Oreos...Beware. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!!!!  
  
Disclaimer:Yes, J.K., it's all yours. We know that, you know that, we all know that. Okay? Okay.  
  
Hermione couldn't sleep. You see, she had had a tad too much butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks that afternoon, and had since been consumed by a sinister, sneaking desire to do service. For Hogwarts. But the thing is, she couldn't put her finger on WHAT.  
  
She had been thinking about just this since 9:38 PM, when she had hit the sack. It was now 3:01 AM, with no service project in sight...Cleaning the halls after classes? No, knowing Hogwarts students, it would just get messed up again. Teacher's aide? No, she wouldn't be able to be in class, and besides, teachers like McGonagall were way too advanced for her. Helping the house-elves in the kitchens, perhaps? Hermione gave a shudder at the very thought, not only because she hated to see all those poor brainwashed delusional slaves, but because she was one of those people who couldn't cook anything unless of course it had the words "Hamburger Helper" on it. She let her mind wander...which no right-thinking Hogwarts student under the influence of butterbeer should do, of course...oh, dear. Hermione has had an idea.  
  
She sat bolt upright, eyes glowing. A school newspaper! Of course! It had always worked in her old Muggle schools. Harry and Ron could write a column, as could Lee and Fred and George. Maybe one of the professors, too. Even, she thought, peeking through the curtains of her four-poster, Lavender and Parvati could do something...  
  
Hermione literally slept on the idea. The next day, during Transfiguration, she asked McGonagall.  
  
"Perfect! This is exactly the idea I've been looking for, Miss Granger."  
  
"Oh, have you been drinking butterbeer, too, Professor?" asked Hermione innocently.  
  
"No, no," said McGonagall distractedly. "Just eating Oreos...and listening to N'Sync..."  
  
Hermione wrinkled her brow. "If you'll pardon me for saying this, Professor, but bad things can come of that."  
  
"Yes, yes, I know. But it's a hard habit to break, if you know what I mean."  
  
"Ummmmmmm... right. I've got to be going now...Excuse me..."  
  
The next tough task was to get people to write the column. But Hermione, true to her nature, would not ASK. She would ASSIGN.  
  
"Harry and Ron, you can do the 'What's new at Hogwarts' column. Lee, you can do Quidditch. Yes, yes, George and Fred can help. Parvati and Lavender, you can do a social commentary. Ginny will interview the teachers."  
  
"And what about you?" asked Ron, none too happy with this arrangement.  
  
"Me? I'm editor. Read the title, O thou with the dunce cap so high."  
  
"Great. Juuuuuuuust great."  
  
"So. You can all get to work. Oh, and Lavender, next Divination lesson, would you mind asking Trelawney to do something...?"  
  
They didn't need any more encouragement than the freaky glint in Hermione's eyes.  
  
So here is the first edition of The Hogwarts Times...enjoy...and watch the butterbeer, so you don't unleash another...something...upon the world...enjoy...  
  
  
THE HOGWARTS TIMES  
  
Hermione Granger, Editor  
  
What's New At Hogwarts...........................................................................Page One  
Quidditch Today.......................................................................................Page One  
Laveder and Parvati's Social Commentary....................................................Page One  
Teacher of the Week.................................................................................Page You-Guessed-It  
Horoscopes..............................................................................................Page One  
  
WHAT'S NEW AT HOGWARTS  
BY RON WEASLEY AND HARRY POTTER  
  
We're sure that all of you who live under a rock or in a clamshell or other such woebegone place are wondering just what is happening at Hogwarts.Well, we're here to answer just that question.  
  
Professor Snape's new favorite student is Draco Malfoy.  
The house-elves are tremendously good cooks.  
No matter what goes wrong, just blame it on the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.  
AAAAAAAAAAA! Lord Voldemort is coming to get me! To get us all! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
Ginny Weasley giggles way too much   
So do Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil  
(from Harry) Ouchie! My scar hurts!  
(According to the fics) Half of Hogwarts' population is American exchange students. Really!  
Hagrid's got another dangerous creature just SALIVATING to bite all our heads off...not that we don't get enough head-biting from Snape anyway...  
  
Just two words to end our happy little list: Suprise, suprise!  
  
QUIDDITCH TODAY  
BY LEE JORDAN, GEORGE WEASLEY, AND FRED WEASLEY  
  
Hello all! Today we are going to tell you about the world's gretest sport: Quidditch. Why is Quidditch the world's greatest sport? Because........because.......well, it just IS, that's all. I mean, look other sports, like Quodpot, you know, that American game. You throw an exploding ball at each other. Big shmeal. And shuntbumps. You sit on your broom BACKWARDS. BACKWARDS!!! I mean, not only is it uncomfortable, it could make a guy so he is unable to have kids! Then there's Creothceann. Who the *bleep-bleepity* thinks up a name like Creothceann?!?!?!? A blithering idiot, that's who. That word must be the hardest to spell in the entire English language, and other languages, too! Plus, you can kill yourself. You can't kill yourself playing Quidditch. I mean, you CAN and all, but since this is a pro-Quidditch column, we won't say that. We'll just say that you can only break your jaw or fall 500 feet from a speeding broomstick...Wait a sec, that's anti-Quidditch too. We're now officially confused. So this is the end. Of the column. Get it? Got it? Good.  
  
LAVENDER AND PARVATI'S SOCIAL COMMENTARY  
BY LAVENDER BROWN AND PARVATI PATIL  
  
----Like, hi, Lav!  
  
----Like, hi, Parv!  
  
----So, like, totally, what's up?  
  
----Like, guess what?  
  
----What?  
  
----I got the CUTEST nail polish in Hogsmeade yesterday!  
  
----Like, awesome! *Lavender shows polish to Parvati* Eeeeeeeeeeeeee! That is like so totally CUTE!!!! Like, where did you get it?  
  
----Like, you know, that one shop in Hogsmeade. I totally just forgot the name.  
  
----Oh, like, well. That is SOO totally okay.   
  
----Yeah. Did you hear?  
  
----No. Like, what?  
  
----Lisa Turpin is going out with Dean Thomas!!!!  
  
----Eeeeeeeeee! What a tender piece of juicy gossip!  
  
----Well, that's what this column is for, right?  
  
----Totally. So, who do you think is the hottest guy here?  
  
----CEDRIC!!!!!  
  
----He died, Lavender.  
  
----Oh, yeah! *ditziness turns temporarily to fury* THAT STUPID LORD WHATS-HIS-FACE!!!! Why did he have to kill the most adorable guy here?  
  
----It's okay, Lav. He was already going out with someone, remember? That Cho something-or-other.  
  
----Right. *Sob* Hey! Maybe it was her makeup that attracted her to Ced!  
  
----Wow! Like, let's totally go get some tips from her!  
  
----Like, let's go!  
  
  
GINNY WEASLEY'S TEACHER OF THE WEEK  
BY GINNY WEASLEY  
  
Ginny: Hi! I'm Ginny Weasley for our new Teacher-of-the-week column. Today we are going to learn something new about a teacher that lots of people don't know of. Say hello to our Astronomy teacher, Professor Sinistra!  
  
Sinistra: No, dear.  
  
Ginny:Sorry?  
  
Sinistra:I am not the Astronomy Teacher. I am "of the Astronomy department".  
  
Ginny:Ummmmmm, right. So! Professor,what is your favorite food?  
  
Sinistra:I don't have one.  
  
Ginny: Okay, er,do you listen to music?  
  
Sinistra: No.  
  
Ginny:Ahhh...how about fears?  
  
Sinistra: None.  
  
Ginny: Hobbies? Talents? Pet peeves?  
  
Sinistra: Nope. Nope. Nope.  
  
Ginny: Well, that's all of our questions. No wonder people don't know much about you.  
  
Sinistra: Exactly. I am an Undeveloped Character.  
  
Ginny: An undeveloped character.  
  
Sinistra: No, dear. It must be capitalized. Undeveloped Character.  
  
Ginny: Er, right. This has been Ginny Weasley, reporting on Professor Sinistra. Thanks a lot and see ya next time.  
  
  
HOROSCOPES  
BY PROF. SYBIL TRELAWNEY  
  
Aries--this is a dark week indeed...you will, perhaps, make better friends with Madam Pomfrey...  
Taurus-- Study hard. You will indeed fail the class you have been slipping in if not...  
Gemini--A very dear friend will betray you. Choose your compadres better next time...  
Cancer--You are in grave danger of painful misery if you do not "play hooky" this week...especially Tuesday.  
Leo--Be not suprised if you see the Grim this week, Leo...  
Virgo--You shall be tempted. Do not give in, Virgo, or you will definitely be subject to a rampaging Hippogriff...  
Libra--this is not a week for questions, Libra, for you will not get the answers...  
Scorpio--Watch your purse.  
Sagittarius--Your 3rd year acne is only in remission and will return the 24th of May.Beware. Wash your face.  
Capricorn--a redhead will stalk you and kill you. Stay away...  
Aquarius--Do not go near water at any cost, Aquarius. It could save your life.  
Pisces--Be ready for plenty of backtabbing, Pisces, and NOT the gossipy kind...  
  
  
A/N: Well? Did ya like it? We really really hope you did.Be sure to review, too. And we promise--no more of that stupid prologue shtuff. We hate that as much as you do. But, if you like it, there may even be more chapters...Ooo..that's even more ominous than Trelawney's horoscopes....Oooooooo... 


	2. 2nd Edition

The Hogwarts Times--Hermione Granger, Editor  
By Fred, George, and Lee  
  
A/N: Ahhh, how good it is to be back in the world of fics! Can't you just smell the songfics, the MWPPs, the burning flames? If you don't get what we're trying to say here, is that we haven't posted anything for a while and we're sorry. Forgive us! Oh, well, it's not like many people missed us. Anyway....  
  
DISCLAIMER: It doesn't belong to us!!! So don't, like, stalk us or anything, lawyers of J.K. Okay?(hey, that rhymes!)  
  
Here we go, folks, put on your seatbelts, it's gonna be a bumpy ride...  
  
  
THE HOGWARTS TIMES  
  
Hermione Granger, Editor  
What's new........................................................................................................................Page One  
Quidditch...........................................................................................................................Page One  
Social Commentary..............................................................................................................Page One  
Teacher of the Week...........................................................................................................Page One  
Horoscopes........................................................................................................................Page One  
  
WHAT'S NEW AT HOGWARTS  
BY RON WEASLEY AND HARRY POTTER  
  
Hey, we're back with a whole bunch of new news for the Hogwarts Times. Not that anyone cares, but Hermione has offered us a bribe---er, our nice editor has, um, persuaded us to do another column. So we've scanned our eagle eyes---oh, wait, we're Gryffindors, so our lion eyes--all around this stupid school for new stuff. Here goes...  
  
Ron is madly in love. With a veela. Again.  
Guess what? We have way too much homework. It's like the teachers want to, like, kill us before we graduate or something. I guess that's a good plan, though, because then they'd all get to retire early. You can't blame them, really...  
The gamekeeper, Hagrid, has drunken too much mead and tried to do magic and set fire to his bedspread again. Go figure.  
Professor Flitwick got buried under all of his planners and papers and stuff again. It took two hours to find him.  
A recent dormitory search was done by Snape earlier this week. He collected 39 bottles of what was, to him, illegal shampoo bottles.  
Three more kids were stabbed to death by Professor McGonagall's deadly elbows.  
House-elves. 'Nuff said.  
DRACO MALFOY IS AN UGLY GIT!!!!!!!  
  
There, Hermione. Is that good enough?!? Okay, good. Now give us our Sugar Qui-- er, we're glad that you think so...  
  
QUIDDITCH TODAY  
BY FRED WEASLEY, LEE JORDAN, AND GEORGE WEASLEY  
  
Yo! We are here to write our Quidditch column today...well, duh. What did you think you're reading?!?!? Heh heh heh. You know, we've been musing. What should this second column be on? Oh! I've got it!!! How about fouls? Fouls are really bad--er, important to the great game of Quidditch. There are, like, 700 million ways to commit a foul in Quidditch, some of which probably would never happen but that the authors would really like to do to some of the, er, players at Hogwarts *coughslytherinscough*, for instance going at Draco Malf--er, a fellow player-- with an ax and HACKING THEIR STUPID @#$% BROOMTAILS OFF!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ooops, I guess that wasn't too terribly G-rated, was it? Sorry, McGonagall. And Hermione...But anyway, There are also more common fouls in Quidditch, such as Cobbling, which is exessive use of elbows (and don't get in Alicia Spinnet's way unless you really want to get maimed, people, BTW. -----George). And then there's Snitchnip, which isn't incredibly special, we just like to say "Snitchnip" over and over again since it is so darn fun to say! Snitchnip! Snitchnip! Wheeeehaha! Phew. Sorry about this, you know, ending the column early, but we've just got to catch our breath...  
  
LAVENDER AND PARVATI'S SOCIAL COMMENTARY  
BY LAVENDER BROWN AND PARVATI PATIL  
  
----Like, hey, Lavender!!!!!  
  
----Like, hi, Parvati!!!!  
  
----So, like, totally, what's on the schedule today?  
  
----*Gets the stunned-bunny-stupid-people look so common in ditziness* Schedule?!?!?!?  
  
----Yeah, like, what we have on a list to talk about.  
  
----We don't have a list.  
  
----Um, whatev. So, like, what the heck do you want to talk about?  
  
----Are you trying out for cheerleading?  
  
----Like, so TOTALLY!!!!!  
  
----Like, so am I!!!!  
  
----Let's practice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
----Got it!  
  
-----Ready? Okay!  
  
----Totally!  
  
-----For sure!  
  
----I even got a manicure!  
  
----The sun! I swear! It's bleaching out my hair!  
  
----26! 44! I don't even know the score!  
  
----Rah rah!  
  
----Fight fight!  
  
----Gee I hope I look all right!  
  
----Gooooooo Team!!!  
  
----Gooooooo Team!!!  
  
*End cheer, thank heaven*  
  
----Wow! We did great!  
  
----We sure did!  
  
----I hope we, like, impressed some hotties doing it!  
  
----Let's go, like, find out!!!  
  
----Totally!  
  
  
GINNY WEASLEY'S TEACHER OF THE WEEK  
BY GINNY WEASLEY (DUH)  
  
Ginny: Hello. Ginny here for our new column, Teacher of the Week. Today we are interviewing Professor Severus Snape because he was the first teacher I ran into yesterday, an hour before deadline. He teaches Potions and--  
  
Snape: Quit dawdling, girl. I want to get this over with.  
  
Ginny: *Not exactly wanting this to drag on, herself* Right. Um, what is your favorite food?  
  
Snape: Well, I have an unfortunate taste for Ex-Lax. I tried it once and I think I'm addicted.  
  
Ginny: *Too shocked to giggle or laugh or whatever* Errr, Okay, Professor...Do you listen to music?  
  
Snape: Yeah! Limp Bizkit ROCKS, dude! Yeah!  
  
Ginny: Limp Bizkit?  
  
Snape: Yeah, man, it's this one Muggle group. Oh! And Korn! Booya!  
  
Ginny:*Totally oblivious, as she's wizard-born...hey, wait, if Snape hates Muggles, then why does he listen to Korn, etc.? weird...anyway...* Okay, Do you have any fears?  
  
Snape: Yes! I fear...*shudder* shampoo...lucky I was able to rid the school of most of it before it....got me...  
  
Ginny: Okay, I am gettin WAY weirded out here, so let's just say I'm out of questions, okay?  
  
Snape: Fine here. I've got to prepare a class, anyway.  
  
Ginny: *as Snape stalks off* What a loser! Anyway, I guess I'll see you next time on this column, so you can learn more about the weirdos-er, fine members of the faculty--that teach at Hogwarts! Bye now!  
  
HOROSCOPES  
BY PROF. SYBIL TRELAWNEY  
  
Aries: Your fiery hotheadedness will most likely land you in detention, Aries. Beware.  
Taurus:Your seasonal allergies will arrive in full swing on the 13th of June, so visit Madam Pomfrey before then...  
Gemini:There is a hole in your pocket, Gemini, and not figuratively. Sew it up before it gets too big...  
Cancer: Drop all bets and wagers NOW, for you have just become verrrrry unlucky...  
Leo:Your natural sense of humor will not come in handy right now, Leo. Be serious.  
Virgo:You'll poke your eye out! You'll poke your eye out!  
Libra:You'll need to exercise those natural arguing- er, debate-skills all Libras have in common..  
Scorpio:You will be tempted to drink straight out of your cauldron in Potions. Do not...  
Sagittarius:Let's just say you are not so favored in the eyes of the stars this week, Sagittarius.  
Capricorn:An enemy will become a "friend" this week, but don't trust them.  
Aquarius:Sheesh, are you ever unlucky in love this week! Try your hardest not to humiliate yourself. It'll be tough...  
Pisces:Bad hair day tomorrow, Pisces. Use gel. Gel is your friend.  
  
A/N: Well, this edition certainly gave us a new view of Snape, didn't it now? Ha ha! And Lavender and Parvati doing the cheerleader thing...hee hee! Well, if you thought it was good, then review it, okay? OKAY?????? Good. 


End file.
